:: A Queer World All My Own ::

:: Saturday, April 12, 2003 ::

at times

it seems like
at times
I can still
feel you breathing
smell the sweetness
in your skin
when it's just quiet enough
and the day has been hard
the warmth of your body
wraps me in
and all at once
I feel safe again
in the morning
still fooled by
my dreamy haze
I wake to cold
sheets
longing for the
night to come
again

1/24
:: Almost 20 Years Later 11:15 AM [+] ::
...

Hey Everybody!
This is my very first foray into the world of the 'songfic'. I love
this band (A Perfect Circle), and I just felt Brian in this song. I
hope you like it! Let me know. As always, these beautiful creations
do not belong to me. Enjoy!

Shea:-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cold. It's always so damned cold in here! I get up, and fumble
my way through the pitch black, feeling for the thermostat. No
lights, I like it better whe I can't see the emptiness that surrounds
me now. It's only in these hours, the ones between drunk and sober,
between tricks, that I even let myself acknowledge it. The rest of
the time, it's business as usual, at least that's what I try to
convince everyone, meaning, Me. Sometimes, it's not such a hard act
to sell. Since I was made partner, I HAVE been working a ton of
extra hours. I don't think I've ever been so glad to oversee an
assembly of people, whose collective IQ is probably about equal to
that of a box of hair. (Except Cynthia, of course, I don't know how
she stays mentally equipped, sharing oxygen with some of these
morons!) They keep me busy, though, and for that, I thank them,
because, I am not altogether sure what I would do without the
distraction, at times.

I am not sad, or heartbroken, or lovesick. Brian Kinney doesn't
DO the whole angst-ridden, soap opera bit. But, there are moments
when I can't help but notice this, sort of... lack. Like a part of
me that I NEED to function in my day-to-day life, is suddenly gone.
More often than not, I can push it aside and forget about it, but
every once in a while, it's just overwhelming. I employ all of my
standard remedies for any sort of emotional, um awkwardness, but
nothing seems to quite fill the void. After work, I go home, shower,
change, and promptly leave THAT box of unwanted memories as fast as I
can. Then I head out to do what I do best... medicate, which for me,
means, drugs, booze, and, of course, fucking. Hard to believe there
are still men on Liberty I HAVEN'T fucked! Once, I think Mikey even
made some snide remark about having a revolving door put into the
loft! Little Shit! I don't take them home anymore though, ironic,
huh? It's just that they don't fit there, nobody does, not even me
anymore, really. So, I keep my tricking to the back room, the back
alleys, and the baths. And I try to stay in a drug/alcohol induced
stupor as much as possible, when I'm not working. (Don't worry, I
don't drive.) If I stay focused on my goal, I do okay. Get high,
get off, get out... repeat as necessary. No more worrying about
what's his name, or anyone else, for that matter. I tried that, and
where did it get me? About 10 steps behind where I was before, with
no fucking clue where to go from here!

The worst part is, that now, when I go out tricking, all I see is
fucking blonde hair and blue eyes! Only, they never belong to who I
wish I didn't want them to belong to. He's gone, it's almost like he
was never here, he's just vanished. Just absent. All I can do is
lean against this wall, in this dark, musky room, and grunt, as I
shoot my release into another face with no name. Grateful for these
few seconds when I don't feel so goddam used up and hollow.




The Hollow ~ A Perfect Circle
run, desire, run this sexual being
run him like a blade to & through the heart
no conscience, one motive...
to cater to the hollow.
screaming
feed me, fill me up again.
temporarily pacify this hungering.
so, grow, libido, throw dominoes of
indiscretions down.
falling all around in cycles/circles.
constantly consuming.
conquer and devour.
it's time to bring this fire down.
bridle all this indiscretion
long enough to edify and
permanently fill this hollow.
feed me, fill me up again.
temporarily pacify this hungering.

:: Almost 20 Years Later 11:04 AM [+] ::
...

THE TEAR

it slipped out
I couldn't catch it
I should've tried harder
I usually catch them all
this time it was too hard
too much is missing
so much that I never
thought I would miss

12/18 (ep 118)

:: Almost 20 Years Later 11:00 AM [+] ::
...

Their concern can be so oppressive, it sucks the air out of the room sometimes.
~ quote from "If You Needed Me" by Myrna
:: Almost 20 Years Later 10:56 AM [+] ::
...