:: A Queer World All My Own ::

:: Friday, September 19, 2003 ::

9/19

Touch Me

touch me
and
make me real
save me
from
this illusion

shatter time
with
a brush of your lips
see me
through
the heat of your skin

show me
how
you worship me
roll me
over
set me free



:: Almost 20 Years Later 12:36 AM [+] ::
...

9/16


Questions

why me?
why now?
my life was fine the way it was.

but here you are
and where am I?
but right by your side.

why does it feel,
when I look at your face,
that this has really always
been my place?
:: Almost 20 Years Later 11:46 PM [+] ::
...

When A Girl Loves A Girl

she tossed me a look
from across that place
I forgot where I was
lost in her lovely face

time stood still
the moment flew past
how could this be?
could we make it last?

this isn't me
this is not who I am
I came here with him
this wasn't the plan

now what do I do?
she just looked my way
did she see what I saw?
do dreams happen this way?

I can't believe this is happening
there's now way this is real
life can take you by suprise
when a girl loves a girl.



:: Almost 20 Years Later 1:55 PM [+] ::
...

Gay Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

:: Almost 20 Years Later 2:30 AM [+] ::
...

Movin' On


It was just time to go. Everyday, looking into the same faces, facing the same expectations, the same judgements. I just couldn't take it one second longer. I felt trapped, so I decided to leave. I didn't know where I was headed, and I didn't really care, as long as it wasn't here... and there was no Brian. So, I shoved everything that would fit into my little Eclipse (thank God for civil suits, right?), filled the gas tank, and hit the road. No turning back, I was starting over, and all I saw ahead were roads paved in gold.

Isn't amazing how life always hands you exactly what you need, even if it's not what you thought you wanted. I found out the two things are not always going to be synonymous.

I'm not exactly sure how I ended up here, I mean, nobody WANTS to be in Omaha, right? The only thing I can think of from Omaha is... huh, come to think of it, I don't think I have ever even HEARD of anything from here. There is a song called "Omaha" by the Counting Crows, but I'm not really even sure what it's about. So I would be the last person to explain what I'm doing here. All the same though, here I am.

I stopped here sometime in April for gas. I was on my way to nowhere inparticular, so I figured it couldn't hurt anything to stay a couple of days. There is just something about this place, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I will have been here three months next Tuesday, and I'm still not certain why I stayed... I am only glad I did.

(this story is incomplete)

3/25
:: Almost 20 Years Later 1:08 AM [+] ::
...

Left it There

I left it there
in the bottom
of a box of dusty
memories and
haunted photographs

my past

i left it there
swimming in a puddle
on the rainy street
in front of my
bare toes
too close to my
bare heart

the tear you cried for me

i left it there
melting in the
sunshine of your smile
despite my best
attempts to hide

the first jagged
sliver of ice
that broke away
from my heart

2/13
:: Almost 20 Years Later 4:49 AM [+] ::
...

Fairy Tales

I called the fairy tales a liar.
This wonderful dream,
come true to life,
could not possibly be real.
My world doesn't work that way.
Still, I couldn't let you go.
And I wouldn't ask you to stay.
So time worked her magic,
you found your feet,
and they found the door.
As it turns out,
fairy tales do come true,
as long as you keep yours
seperate from mine.

3/11
:: Almost 20 Years Later 4:40 AM [+] ::
...

at times

it seems like
at times
I can still
feel you breathing
smell the sweetness
in your skin
when it's just quiet enough
and the day has been hard
the warmth of your body
wraps me in
and all at once
I feel safe again
in the morning
still fooled by
my dreamy haze
I wake to cold
sheets
longing for the
night to come
again

1/24
:: Almost 20 Years Later 11:15 AM [+] ::
...

Hey Everybody!
This is my very first foray into the world of the 'songfic'. I love
this band (A Perfect Circle), and I just felt Brian in this song. I
hope you like it! Let me know. As always, these beautiful creations
do not belong to me. Enjoy!

Shea:-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cold. It's always so damned cold in here! I get up, and fumble
my way through the pitch black, feeling for the thermostat. No
lights, I like it better whe I can't see the emptiness that surrounds
me now. It's only in these hours, the ones between drunk and sober,
between tricks, that I even let myself acknowledge it. The rest of
the time, it's business as usual, at least that's what I try to
convince everyone, meaning, Me. Sometimes, it's not such a hard act
to sell. Since I was made partner, I HAVE been working a ton of
extra hours. I don't think I've ever been so glad to oversee an
assembly of people, whose collective IQ is probably about equal to
that of a box of hair. (Except Cynthia, of course, I don't know how
she stays mentally equipped, sharing oxygen with some of these
morons!) They keep me busy, though, and for that, I thank them,
because, I am not altogether sure what I would do without the
distraction, at times.

I am not sad, or heartbroken, or lovesick. Brian Kinney doesn't
DO the whole angst-ridden, soap opera bit. But, there are moments
when I can't help but notice this, sort of... lack. Like a part of
me that I NEED to function in my day-to-day life, is suddenly gone.
More often than not, I can push it aside and forget about it, but
every once in a while, it's just overwhelming. I employ all of my
standard remedies for any sort of emotional, um awkwardness, but
nothing seems to quite fill the void. After work, I go home, shower,
change, and promptly leave THAT box of unwanted memories as fast as I
can. Then I head out to do what I do best... medicate, which for me,
means, drugs, booze, and, of course, fucking. Hard to believe there
are still men on Liberty I HAVEN'T fucked! Once, I think Mikey even
made some snide remark about having a revolving door put into the
loft! Little Shit! I don't take them home anymore though, ironic,
huh? It's just that they don't fit there, nobody does, not even me
anymore, really. So, I keep my tricking to the back room, the back
alleys, and the baths. And I try to stay in a drug/alcohol induced
stupor as much as possible, when I'm not working. (Don't worry, I
don't drive.) If I stay focused on my goal, I do okay. Get high,
get off, get out... repeat as necessary. No more worrying about
what's his name, or anyone else, for that matter. I tried that, and
where did it get me? About 10 steps behind where I was before, with
no fucking clue where to go from here!

The worst part is, that now, when I go out tricking, all I see is
fucking blonde hair and blue eyes! Only, they never belong to who I
wish I didn't want them to belong to. He's gone, it's almost like he
was never here, he's just vanished. Just absent. All I can do is
lean against this wall, in this dark, musky room, and grunt, as I
shoot my release into another face with no name. Grateful for these
few seconds when I don't feel so goddam used up and hollow.




The Hollow ~ A Perfect Circle
run, desire, run this sexual being
run him like a blade to & through the heart
no conscience, one motive...
to cater to the hollow.
screaming
feed me, fill me up again.
temporarily pacify this hungering.
so, grow, libido, throw dominoes of
indiscretions down.
falling all around in cycles/circles.
constantly consuming.
conquer and devour.
it's time to bring this fire down.
bridle all this indiscretion
long enough to edify and
permanently fill this hollow.
feed me, fill me up again.
temporarily pacify this hungering.

:: Almost 20 Years Later 11:04 AM [+] ::
...

THE TEAR

it slipped out
I couldn't catch it
I should've tried harder
I usually catch them all
this time it was too hard
too much is missing
so much that I never
thought I would miss

12/18 (ep 118)

:: Almost 20 Years Later 11:00 AM [+] ::
...

Their concern can be so oppressive, it sucks the air out of the room sometimes.
~ quote from "If You Needed Me" by Myrna
:: Almost 20 Years Later 10:56 AM [+] ::
...